A Somewhat Violent and Very Odd Conversation
by DarkScales
Summary: A crack fic depicting the meeting of Ganondorf and Gandalf, where the Demon Thief has an army of all women and Gandalf says "YOU SHALL NOT PASS". Throw in a drunk Legolas, an irate Link, a confused Zelda, and then add some very random appearances by Gollum and Ooccoo/Ooccoo Jr. Mix it all up, and you get one somewhat violent and very odd conversation. Co-authored with Nerdwen. OOC.


**Co-authored with Nerdwen! This started as just a few lines because we were bored, then quickly grew into something more. Warning: MAJOR OOC characters, sort of a mix between a couple of Zelda games like Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess.**

**EDIT AS OF JULY 29, 2013**

**To Iceheart (Guest): Sorry, but probably not. I co-authored this with Nerdwen, so it's her decision as well, but personally I think it's more of a standalone fic that wouldn't work too well with more chapters. But maybe we could compromise and make different oneshots with similar situations, like a series of unconnected oneshots? Or something like that...**

* * *

Ganondorf: I will take over Hyrule!

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Ganondorf: Get out of my way, you stupid old man!

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Ganondorf: You're starting to annoy me.

Gandalf: *summons dead green army* in unison, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Ganondorf: *summons army of Gerudos* Get out of the way or we'll run you over!

Link: What?! Ganondorf escaped again? That's it, I hate my job.

Legolas: Hey! You copied my style!

Link: Who in the name of Farore are you?

Legolas: I AM THE ORIGINAL GREEN ELF IN A GREEN DRESS!

Link: IT'S NOT A DRESS! IT'S A TUNIC!

Legolas: Hey, are you a girl! Nice hat…

Link: *takes out ball and chain* DIE!

Legolas: You're a feisty one, aren't you. Hey, are you a hobbit? You're short! *jumps onto a tree and starts shooting*

Link: AAAARRRGGGHHHH! *starts demolishing tree with ball and chain*

Legolas: Huh! That's huge! How do you even hold that! And, you're ruining your dress.

Link: IT'S A TUNIC! *places bombs around the demolished tree*

Ganondorf: … at least he's not trying to kill me for once…

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Hey, is that you, Legolas!

Legolas: Go away! Im trying to court this girl here.

Link: I'M NOT A GIRL! *bombs explode, sending bits of tree flying everywhere*

Ganondorf: … uh, Link's a guy….

Link and Ganondorf: temporary alliance

Legolas: I don't like hitting girls…

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Link and Ganondorf: DIE! *Link pulls out Master Sword and starts swinging while Ganondorf sends the army of Gerudo at Legolas*

Legolas: I'M DRUNK!

Gandalf: *makes a force field* YOU SHALL NOT PASS! As for Legolas, that explains a lot…

Link: Does that mean I can't kill him?

Ganondorf: I don't care! I'm the evil King of Thieves!

Legolas: So that creepy dude is her boyfriend? *jealous fit*

Link and Ganondorf: EW NO! *immediately run away from each other*

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Well, we broke the alliance….

Zelda: Link! You missed our date! What are you doing! Oh great Nayru, don't tell me Ganondorf is back again… who are these people?

Legolas: What! She's gay?

Link: I'M NOT GAY!

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Zelda: Um, what's up?

Link: Oh, Zelda! Didn't see you there… hehe… whoops…

Zelda: Why are you holding the Master Sword? And why was I getting reports of trees exploding?

Link: … Uh, well, it's a funny story…

Gollum: My precious, oh my preciousss

Link: Funny like _that._

Zelda: …How in the name of Farore do you manage to get yourself into these situations?

Ganondorf: Holy Din, that creature is ugly.

Gollum: *poofs out of existence*

Gandalf: CAPTURE IT!

Ganondorf: Hey, you didn't say "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"!

Gandalf: Ha, it's contagious.

Legolas: Hey there, wanna go out with me? (to Link)

Link: *vein pulses in forehead angrily* How. Many. Times. Must. I. Tell. You. *takes a deep breath* I'M NOT A GIRL!

Zelda: Waaaait… why's he saying you look like a girl if he looks more like a girl than you do? Goddesses, this is so weird.

Ganondorf: Of course you'd know *suggestive look*

Legolas: *faints*

Zelda: Hey! Well you're a big fa-

*Ooccoo suddenly falls from the sky and looks around, confused. Then Ooccoo Jr. comes out and flies around, chattering in their weird language*

Zelda: Ummm… I didn't even know this was possible, but it looks like things just got even weirder…

*a miniature Sky Cannon falls from the sky and isn't smashed into tiny bits, then the Ooccoo pair hop in and are shot back into the City in the Sky*

Everyone: …What just happened?

Link: Oh nothing. *sarcastically* It's perfectly normal.

Everyone: O.o

Gandalf: *shakes fist into sky* YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Zelda: *facepalm* I am surrounded by idiots…

Ganondorf: *to army of Gerudo* Hey, do you think that Legolas guy could make a good Gerudo? I mean, he does look like a girl already, so why not?

Legolas: What are Gerudo?

Army of Gerudo: *whisper amongst each other for a minute* Hmm, why not… but first, he must prove himself in single combat with two of our finest warriors! *all advance on Legolas with evil grins*

Legolas: But I don't hit girls! *reaches behind himself* And Link blew up my  
bow!

Link: *Evilly* Oopsies!

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PA-

Ganondorf: SHUT UP!

Zelda and Link: And the fight is OOONNNN!

Midna: *pops in through a Twilight Portal and sees an all out free-for-all* What the-? What is going on here?! I'm feeling the inter-dimensional repercussions all the way over in the Twilight Realm, and I can't get any sleep! Aarrgggh! *makes a giant portal and sucks Gandalf and Legolas through, then makes another for Ganondorf and the Gerudo, then makes another for Link and Zelda* Finally! Maybe I'll get a bit of peace and quiet around here now!

THE END


End file.
